What goes through my mind as I grieve the loss of my Mother

PERSPECTIVE | Suggestions on how to deal with GRIEF on Mother’s death (Courtesy of Michelle Pangasian)

In loving memory of our beloved Mom (Cristina Maghanoy Pangasian – July 24,1964 – September 27,2019).

I turned into writing during this difficult times.The cruel irony of losing my mother is that right after her death is when you will need her the most. My mother died on 27 September 2019 @ 1:37 AM Philippine time while in Bahrain 08:37 PM, when she was 55 and I was 33. She was first diagnosed with Recto-sigmoid Adenocarcinoma on July 22, 2019, for the most part, she had a successful surgery but failed the recovery stage due to the complications such as kidney failure and etc. My entire family never leave her until her last breath and ensured she had the treatment and medications needed. Every pennys spent for her daily medications, my family including extended family members were not ready for it but thanks God they kept my mom alive for 6 days (2days admission and 3 days recovery stage from complications until the arrangement of the funeral).I thank you all for your generous donations and family support during this difficult times. I just realized how important to have a medical insurance internationally and locally to avoid those unexpected huge amount of bills (450KPHP/6 days) excluding Doctor’s fees.

For few months, she endured painful on and off discomforts and still trying to find ways like holistic approach. It was during one of those grueling severe sessions of chronic pain that she indirectly told my family that she preferred to die with pain rather than having all those chemo and surgery. It’s still difficult to remember my mother as she was then – in excruciating pain but fighting through like a champion. But remembering the wisdom she shared with me about the passing of time, has become a touchstone for me throughout this few days.

Until then, here are a few suggestions:

1. Take care of yourself.Although it certainly feels like it, the world doesn’t stop spinning when your mother dies. The bills still arrive, the laundry piles up. Keep an open dialogue with the people around you at home, work and school. Ask for help when you need it, and don’t be afraid to scale back when you’re feeling overwhelmed. If you have trouble drawing boundaries, find someone who can help advocate for you. And if you are feeling entirely unmoored, there’s no shame in seeking support from a mental health professional.

2.Grief is hard work. Don’t forsake your physical and spiritual well-being in the process. Above all, follow your instincts: If that means spending the day crying under your covers and eating cookies, that’s okay. But tomorrow, take a shower, put on some fresh clothes and meet a friend for walk.Losing your mother is like training for a grief marathon you never signed up for. You’re best served if you start out slow and steady. With time, you will strengthen and condition your heart and mind to feel unpleasant and unwelcome emotions. Once you’re “through it,” you’ll be able to fit the the most unwieldy, foreign feelings into your mind. Life without your mother will never be what it was, but I promise it gets easier.

3. It’s okay to fight with a ghost.The five stages of grief don’t necessarily happen in textbook order. I have admittedly spent a good deal at times arguing with my mother when I’ve felt angry, sad, confused or heartbroken. The fights are one-sided, but these imaginary conversations – which have taken place in journals, in my head and aloud in the shower – have been vital to working through the unresolved issues I faced after my mother’s death about myself and our relationship. Guilt has been a recurring theme for me. Could I have done more when my mother was alive to be a better daughter? Would she be proud of me or disappointed in my choices? As I’ve wrestled with these complex emotions, I’ve realized the value in allowing myself to process whatever feelings bubble up, however normal or absurd they may seem.Let it all out (and carry a pack of tissues, always). Sadness will wash over you at unexpected and inconvenient times. Crying is cathartic. I still carry a pack of tissues for these moments. Don’t worry, your feelings of sadness will become less acute over time. The sights, sounds and smells that initially made you bereft of happiness will eventually bring you joy.

4. Distract yourself.Pick an activity that others will rely on you to show up for. Make sure it also challenges your mind and body, taking you out of your comfort zone. Whether it’s being of service to others through charity, spending time to read or browsing some journals or just going to movie by yourself, do something that will take you outside yourself.Your relationships will change.Some people don’t know what to say or are scared of saying the wrong thing. Certain friends or family members might withdraw. Don’t count them out. Friendships may wane. Some friends may disappear. Know that your new support system will form in time.

5. Your sense of self will change.Who you were when your mother was alive is different than who you will be after she’s gone. You will start to see the world through a new lens, and you will undoubtedly become more vulnerable and empathetic. By the same token, you will learn how to draw hard lines and say no as you realize your own mortality and become less willing to put up with people who waste your time.No one can replace your mother, but let them try. Absolutely no one can fill the void left by your mother’s absence. But let the people who want to try. My mother’s younger sisters – my fairy godmother – has been my most steadfast supporter. Their full support and guidance, with assistance from my mother’s friends, who knew my mother’s values, have lifted me up and given me the confidence – and at times the come-to-Jesus-type advice I’ve needed – to survive and thrive.

6. How you remember and honor your mother’s legacy is your choice.There’s no right way to honor your mother. You can go all out on her birthday or on the day she died. You can choose not to acknowledge it all. For me, there are two ways I honor my mother the most. First, I talk about her often and I shared her memories through photos in social media. I want the people in my life who never knew her – the friends I’ve made since she died – to learn about her. I am who I am because of how she raised me. Second, I wear her favorite stripes t-shirt . It’s a tangible way to remember her style and good taste, but it’s also a personal reminder.For 33 years, she was with me, and her presence was a beautiful gift.